October 19, 2011

The Mild Post You've Been Waiting For.

1. I really want to see the movie 50/50. Is that mild enough?

2. It's probably not the smoothest operator move of me to send links to online news articles about apartment-murders to my neighbor-crush. MILD BAD MOVE.

3. Have I ever told you that for my 21st birthday, I didn't drink any alcohol? Instead I had a TEA PARTY. I invited a million people over to my house and we drank all sorts of herbal and caffeinated tea and ate cucumber sandwiches and I was essentially wearing a pink tutu and when everyone left by MIDNIGHT, I watched SEX AND THE CITY with my female housemates before taking a 3:30am shuttle to the airport to visit my parents. WHUT. That is even too mild for me now.

4. Mild confession: I DON'T THINK I LOVE RYAN GOSLING. All appeal is lost after dating a SEMI "pretty boy" recently. Fact: Ryan Gosling is a PRETTY BOY! OTHER FACT: I don't think pretty boys know their way around the bedroom!!! MILDLY ALL I CAN THINK AFTER SEEING THIS:

Look at him next to her! He is such an awkward boy-dork. I CAN'T STAND IT!

And this photo just about drove me mad:

Um he looked at the outfit and SHOES she was wearing and thought "I think it would be really romantic if we went for a hike." NO HE DIDN'T!!! Dork, y'all! 100% FOR REAL DORK!!!

Public plea to Eva: I know he is really handsome, but he must, he must be MILD IN THE BEDROOM and Eva, IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!! Walk away, Eva, WALK AWAY.

Sorry if I'm mildly projecting, but I just have a really mild feeling about him...

5. You know what else is mild? GRAPHIC NOVELS.

6. True mild story: I actually went to THIS site after reading the following article:



OK, it's not really called All the MILD ladies, but we all know it might as well be.

Seriously. My new fortune cookie game is to add NOT ACCORDING TO "ALL THE SINGLE LADIES" to almost everything.

Example: "You're gonna find someone great, I know. Maybe just not right away... In the mean time you have the rest of us who love you!!"...NOT ACCORDING TO ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

Mild sigh.

7. It's October 2011 and I still don't have an iPhone. MILD.

8. I got rejected not once BUT TWICE from a publication aimed at teen girls. MILDLY HORRIFIC that a) they rejected me or b) I APPLIED...twice!!!

9. This blog post by Kathleen Hanna is not mild at all:


Answering my mail today has put the modicum of renewed interest in all things RG into perspective for me. It’s about connection. It’s about the moment when you realize that you maybe the only person who gets that something is wrong in your classroom but you aren’t the only person in the world who gets it.

Mild secret: I used to be one of those 13-year old girls writing Kathleen from Texas for this very reason. Now I am 30 writing this blog from California. I mildly made it outta there.

10. This month's horoscope was mildly right about the last week. People really are breaking up or taking it to the next level. Everyone I know is either BREAKING UP or HAVING A BABY. Mildly not sure how I feel about any of it.

11. I am thinking about using my mother's maiden name hyphenated with my father's last name for the next artist stage of my life. But I am afraid everyone will think I got MILDLY MARRIED. Just kidding. NO ONE WILL EVER THINK THAT.

12. Mild new/old crush: CHRISTOPHER GUEST! Who knew. WHO KNEW!

13. I finally deleted my online dating profile.

Not because I found the love of my life, but because I have had about a billion dates (OK, granted all with the same 5 mild dudes) scattered across the last six months and none of them have worked out. Like, REALLY not worked out. Like, maybe scarred me emotionally not worked out. But I'm glad I did it I GUESS. And maybe I'll do it again someday, though HOPEFULLY NOT as did I mention it has been QUITE TRAUMATIC. But seriously, the one thing all the dates had in common was that none of these "gentlemen" actually wanted a mild companion. They wanted to:

a) disappear for a month and then pop back into my life again = MILDLY SKETCHY

b) not get to know me at all, but talk about themselves, see movies together and/or sleep together

c) be my friend, my crazy, mildly REALLY crazy friend

d) have sex with me

e) have mild sex with me

MILDLY OVER IT. For real this time.

But if the one thing this last almost-relationship taught me was that I don't even want a relationship right now and I especially don't want a mild-relationship. I want the real deal and I'm not going to look for it anymore because the real deal only happens when you're (*NOTE: Pep talk approaching) real with yourself so that's what I'm going back to focusing on. Dating has been such a mild distraction from all that's actually important in my life.

But mild F YOU to the letter B on that above list. Seriously. Actually, I dedicate this mild song to you:

(I bet that's what Eva secretly sings to Ryan Gosling! Ha.)

14. I might have to take a mild break from tarot card readers because the last one I had was too right on and the thing is, when we already mildly know, we already mildly know. We don't need to ask a stranger to look at some cards and tell us. And we especially don't need to pay someone for it.

15. On Sunday night, I went to an AMAZING talk by Jack Halberstam and realized that FAILURE might be the brother/sister to MILD!

What a mild revelation!

16. You want to talk about mild? My Dad (actually I think it was my sister accidentally logged in through my Dad's email account, but for the mild purposes of this story, we'll pretend it was my Dad) sent me THIS article:


Seeing something like that from MY DAD in my INBOX totally brought back memories of when he tried to get me to read THE RULES when I was in high school.

Some things never change. LIKE ME STILL BEING SINGLE.

Kidding. (But seriously, the single jokes never get old. DO THEY?!)

17. I have even started Tweeting things like this:

"How many single girls does it take to change a lightbulb? ONE." Get it.

18. Also, does it make me inescapably mild that I've been dreaming of the University of Iowa's Writer's Workshop for like FIFTEEN YEARS NOW?! Can it really be that good?! Shhh. Don't wake me up from this mild dream.

19. Today, I told an early 20-something volunteer "Don't get old. When I turned 25, I could no longer experience all-nighters the way I used to and now that I'm 30, I have knee and lower back pain. DON'T GET OLD." She looked at me like I was mildly...OLD.

Keep on being Mild in the free world,

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